Friday, August 29, 2008

third trimester fun

Go ahead. Congratulate me.

I've already congratulated myself. I had my own little celebratory soiree with a fudge bar or two not too long ago.

Why the congrats, you say? Well, my friends, I've officially entered the dreaded THIRD TRIMESTER.

Cue daunting horror movie music now.

Oh... The third trimester. If memory serves me correctly, I have so much to look forward to...

There's the lack of sleep, difficulty breathing, exhaustion, nausea, swelling, Braxton-Hicks, extreme irritability, and sad appearance of "cankles" for starters. Those joys are quickly (oh, too quickly) followed by excessive hair growth (in horrifying & surprising places), a rapidly spreading nose & rear end, constantly aching back, and crazy-itchy tummy.

Itching your tummy every second of the day makes you look super-cool, don't cha think?

My favorite thing about the third trimester of pregnancy is the lovely gift of weekly doctor's visits...the ones where you are graciously weighed every time you enter the office.

Every. Time.

Every woman should hear as often as possible that they are weighing closer to a metric ton with every bite they take. Honestly, can you think of anything more cruel?

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I'm just not one of those women who revels in being pregnant. I won't be hanging a body cast of my bulging belly in my baby's nursery, or paying big bucks to have professional photographs made of my bare abdomen. I don't embrace my new "curves" as beautiful or sexy. I don't enjoy shopping for pregnancy clothes or rubbing my belly affectionately for the world to see. I'm just not that girl. Lots of my friends are... I'm just...not.

Don't get me wrong, I love knowing that my sweet little one is growing inside of me. I love experiencing the secret language of little bumps and kicks. I love shopping and preparing for my little man's arrival: teeny, tiny clothes, sweet little socks, and soft cuddly blankies (I can't get enough of that itty bitty preciousness!). And I love, love, love knowing with all certainty that this child was chosen by God to be mine before the world was even breathed into existence. What a beautiful, wonderful, awesome gift. Those are definitely the most precious parts of pregnancy.

I guess what I'm attempting to say is that I lack the proper skill set required to gracefully cope with the emotional and physical side-effects of child-baring.

In other words: I'm a pitiful, whiny, sad excuse of a patient normally, and even more pitifully whiny while pregnant. I'm not anything close to what one may call a "trooper" and I'm a big 'ol baby about pain.

This week, while pondering the miserableness of my current condition, I was struck with the realization that certain religions seriously believe that women who are blessed to go to Heaven will enjoy the additional "blessing" of PERPETUAL PREGNANCY. Mind boggling, isn't it?

I remember hearing that interesting tid-bit several years before I had experienced the blessing of pregnancy for myself. At that time, I thought... hmmm.. that's kind of interesting. I hear that pregnancy is a beautiful experience. I guess I could see how that might be desirable for some people. Oh, silly, naive girl...

My thought about that now? OH, HECK NO! No, no, no, no, NO!


Martin Family said...

I went to the doctor today and had somehow lost 3 pounds this week. So you know what that mean....Baskin Robbins every night this week. I am going out in a blaze of glory. Josh wants to take pictures of my bare stomach too. I said " Are you crazy?" I wouldn't dream of letting you do that when I'm not pregnant so what makes you think when I am bulging from every crevice and body part that that sounds like a fun and acceptable idea.

The Longs said...

I LOVE it Jennifer! Only because I am the SAME way! I don't ENJOY pregnancy and all that it has to offer:) I am the whiney, pitiful, pregnant girl as well-the WHOLE nine months!!

jennifer said...

Funny Stuff, Amy!!! Eat all the ice cream you want, girl! You earned it!

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