Friday, March 27, 2009
Daisy Dukes and PK's
Oh... These women make my heart just hurt.
These women were once little girls in frilly socks and Sunday dresses...
They were silly little girls who ran in and out of the church pews while they waited for Daddy on Sunday morning.
Their family had to take cheesy church directory photos.
They ate a million and one different kids of potato salad at pot-luck lunches and memorized Bible verses in Sunday School.
They could sing all the words to "Zachaeus Was a Wee Little Man" and knew the hand motions to "Pharaoh, Pharaoh".
Now, instead of singing about doing the "dead man's float", they sing songs about "kissing girls".
Instead of frilly socks, they wear Daisy Dukes.
Instead of church directory pictures, they pose for men's magazines.
Once upon a time, these women were full of promise. Full of hope.
They were given amazing gifts that were meant to be used to glorify God.
Once upon a time, these girls were just like my little Avery. They were Pastor's Kids.
Every time I see one of these women on a magazine cover, or hear one of their songs on the radio, my heart clenches up a little bit.
...Then I start to think
...Thinking that soon leads to worrying
...Worrying that VERY quickly leads to fear. Overwhelming, freak-out fear.
...Fear that causes me to pray. Hard. Because that's all I know to do.
That fear is enough to make me want to keep my sweet little ones in a plastic bubble.
It's enough to seriously consider building a very large fort or tower to hide them in. Forever.
I never imagined that I would be a Pastor's wife.
In fact, it was always something that was VERY far from my mind.
When David and I became engaged, I happily accepted my role as supporter and encourager to David.
I accepted my role as his wife.
Since David felt God's calling to be a Pastor, I was called to be a Pastor's Wife.
If David had been called to be a Computer Programmer or a Doctor, I would be called to be a Computer Programmer's wife or a Doctor's wife.
I made a choice to be a Pastor's Wife the moment that I chose to marry the man that God chose for me.
That being said, I knew what I was getting into when I chose to marry David.
I knew that being a Pastor's wife would be challenging.
It would be hard.
It would mean sacrificing and living life under a microscope at times.
I knew all of that, and I accepted it.
I had life's experiences and a relationship with Christ to guide me through my decision.
Avery and Charlie didn't choose to be Pastor's Kids. They just are.
They don't have life's experiences to help them rationalize and understand their role as PK's.
They have to figure out the whole ministry thing as they grow up.
I worry that as they grow older, they will also grow to resent sacrificing and living life under a microscope.
I worry that the pressures of performance and expectations will weigh too heavily on them and cause them to resent not having a choice about being a PK.
Avery and Charlie are God's gracious, precious, amazing gift to David and me.
He didn't make a mistake.
Although many pastor's kids have chosen a path that leads away from Christ, it doesn't mean that my kids have to.
But they might.
Because they have free will.
Ultimately, I can't make their choices for them.
It's my job to teach my kids what God's love looks like on a daily basis and let God take care of the rest.
It's really easy to write that, but not so easy to actually live it out.
Real life means feeling impatient, tired, cranky, annoyed, and exhausted.
Real life means that living out God's love isn't always easy.
I'm afraid that God's going to have to pick up the slack for my shortcomings.
If I could give my kids just one little pearl of wisdom for them to hold in their hearts as they grow, it would be that they understand church is just a place full of imperfect people. Imperfect people who need a perfect God.
I want them to understand that God's love for His children is totally unconditional. I hope that they experience the grace that He gives after they mess up and make crazy choices, and the warmth that awaits them in His loving arms.
I hope that for Jessica and Katy too.